Who would play you in the movie ?

Phil: Channel 5 is delighting us on the New Year bank holiday with “Magic Beyond Words – The JK Rowling story” *.  According to the official website, it dramatizes the British author’s struggle to bring the beloved wizard fantasy of Harry Potter to life. In order to do this, Rowling is played by an Australian actor called “Poppy Montgomery”.

Now there is a fine tradition of famous Scottish people being portrayed by actors who hail from the land down under where women go and men chunder. Mel Gibson playing William Wallace for example. It’s obvious really, what with all accents being identical to the brogue, as proved by Sean Connery.

Anyway, this got me thinking. If famous authors lives are going to be subject to biopics, perhaps we ought to start thinking about who will be playing us in “The epic tale of nolanparker” – appearing at a cinema near you soon. This might sounds a touch presumptuous, but it’s best to be prepared in case Hollywood calls. After all, you don’t want to blurt out a name only to regret it later do you ?

So, I started by asking Candice. She consulted her husband and came back with either Diana Rigg or Gillian Anderson. An interesting and brave choice. The former is 30 years too old and the later was last seen on UK screens as a slightly mental Miss Havisham in Great Expectations. Presumably we are thinking more X-Files than Dickens, or at least we are if we don’t want the next lunchtime sandwich to be a knuckle one…

Which leaves me.

Now I’m not sure this is a plumb role but if I’m not to be airbrushed out of history, then I better come up with someone. Leaonard Nimoy is nearly twice my age now so he’s out. Brian Blessed would be good and he’s quite mad enough, but probably too loud and definitely over-beardy. Charlie Brown might work except he is a cartoon character. If America wants a Brit for anything other than a baddie, they ring High Grant but he’s far too posh and has that stupid flicky hair anyway.

Sticking with mad people, Mackenzie Crook can do weird but is far too skinny. On the other hand, Martin Freeman could pull off the bemused act I do when being told about fashion. He was in the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Film though, officially the second worst ever made, so irredeemably tainted. But, following this train of thought, when the phone rings, I’m going to suggest his co-star in Sherlock, Benedict Cumberbatch. Give the man a silly haircut and I reckon we could get away with it. Either that, or Wall-E.

Now admit it, you’ve often asked the “Who would play me in the biopic” question. What answers did you come up with ?

 

*Now I’ve watched the film, if the makers come a’knocking they will be sent packing. I knew things would be bad when they tried to pass off a modern Raleigh Chopper as a 1980’s model right at the start. Everyone knows that modern health & safety insisted on the removal of the crossbar mounted gear lever before the classic bike was re-issued. If they can’t get that right then how can we have faith in the other details like the heroine went out with Ron Weasly or the Edinburgh post office was full of trolls ?