Phil: It’s Christmas and I’m not going to pretend that much writing work is taking place or that you are really in a state to make the best of any carefully crafted words dear reader. Instead, fill your glass, grab another mince pie from the plate and enjoy a few definitions from the Uxbridge English Dictionary.
For those who are wondering what I’m on about, this is a round from the popular Radio 4 panel game, “I’m sorry I haven’t a clue.”. Contestants have to provide new definitions for existing words. To be honest, most of these are bad puns but as writers, we love a bit of wordplay don’t we?
Abandon – Pub entertainment.
Abundance – Similar to Morris Dancing but with cakes instead of sticks.
Academy – School for Cads.
Adultery – What happens after puberty.
Apogee – How you describe yourself after too much Christmas dinner.
Beware – Clothing for bees.
Boycott – A bed for a young male child.
Busking – An owner of many buses.
Camiknickers – Camera thieves.
Canopy – Tin of urine
Cavendish – A bit like a cavern.
Constrain – A railway service for prisoners.
Descant – An ant with an office job.
Faculty – Cockney for running out of PG Tips
Fielding – To find a bell in the dark.
Forebears – Bad day for Goldilocks.
Gangster – A criminal pasty.
Mutant – An ant with no voice.
Offend – To circumcise.
Phantom – To waft air over a male cat.
Polygon – A deceased parrot.
Torture – Like a torch but more so.
Whisky – A bit like a whisk.
Wrench – A female spanner.
Zulu – A toilet at an animal park.