The life of a celebrity

Candice : I’ve been hanging out with the rich and famous this week. I’ve met a few celebs over the years due my different jobs and you can draw a lot of similarities between them and their lifestyles. The people I have met have come from very different celebrity sets – from one hit wonders to long term famous.  Interestingly its often the one hit wonders (or reality celebs) who are the worst for thinking the world owes them a favour (Leona Lewis, any one?) Rather than the jobbing acts who have been around for years are much more aware of the fickle nature of celebrity and acknowledge what their place in the world means.  Noddy Holder was lovely, completely aware that he pulled a blinder when he wrote ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’ and quite happy to shout ‘Merry Christmas’ very loudly for all and sundry.

The chaps I was hanging around with this week have also been around since the ’70’s: The Wurzels.  For those of you who don’t know them, they specialise in a type of music called ‘Scrumpy and Western’.  They hail from the west country and have been around for years as a comedy act, parodying main stream tracks.  They were helping me out with promoting something for my current job and we did have a laugh as they tried to lip sync over and over again to the version of the track we had written.

It made me think about how Phil and I will be when we get our slot at the limelight.  For years I’ve been on the periphery with my dabbling in TV work (another interesting bunch, the more famous the actor, the nicer they are) but this is our chance to be front and centre.  I’ll have a rider of course – free Mulberry handbag at each venue, LK Bennett shoes etc.  And I’ll be wanting my hair and make up done.  I do love it when I get that done when I do a period drama.

Phil, well I think he’ll be taking lots of photos (I’ve seen his Flicker account since going to Oz) but I’m not sure if he’ll want to be in too many, being shy.  But he has got previous of interviews and TV so he’ll probably be more comfortable in front of the camera than me, as I am usually playing a character.  Rider, I’m not sure, muffins, tea and a railway magazine perhaps?

This time next year, perhaps we’ll be able to answer that question.  What would be on yours?

Will famous people please step away from the keyboard. Thank You.

Phil: Some people have suggested that being famous doesn’t make it easier to get a book published. Presumably those same people are so stupid that they can’t work out how to eat or have just been discharged from a jury.

Of course it’s easier to be published if you are famous. Publishing is a business and if you want to sell units to a celebrity obsessed public, then you comb the pages of Now/Hello/OK and pick your writers from the “bikini bodies” section. Lets’ face it, Martine McCutcheon wrote a book and she’s not even clever enough to remember that everyone has to pay taxes, or at least find a good accountant who can provide a good reason that you don’t.

Anyway, my ire is raised by spotting a couple of things in the media recently.

1 – Frank Lampard has signed a 5 book deal to write a series for children called “Frankie’s Magic Football”.

Now, I’ll admit to knowing nothing about football. I never got picked for a team at school, being the leftover who just joined the team that hadn’t picked last. From there it was a position in defence, or hanging around nowhere near the ball, as it was probably better termed. Still, I did my research and looked up Mr Lampard’s Wikipedia entry (Yes it IS research, you think the BBC/ITN/Sky reporters do any more than this?). Sadly, the page goes on forever and I couldn’t be bothered to read it.

At the end, it appears he has an A* in Latin. Assuming this is accurate (it’s Wikipedia remember) then he might be better placed to be the new Pope since it’s the only job that requires a working knowledge of the language. The Catholic church might even benefit from a bit of star status. What we can be pretty sure of is that the books will not appear in Latin. I don’t care how desperate the publishers are, lines are drawn and it doesn’t matter what words are on the page, as long as they are in English.

Anyway, Frank has bagged a deal to write children’s books about a footballer called “Frankie”. I know you are supposed to write what you know but this is ridiculous. The cynic in me suspects that the illustrator  is under strict instructions that “Frankie” must look a lot like Frank.

2 – Richard Hammond is a judge for a short story competition.

OK, lets start with I watch Top Gear and think “The hamster” is a fine presenter. Not as good as James May, but pretty good. He’s also smart enough to milk his popularity for all it’s worth, hence the BBC being full of shows that start with his name. It’s also good that the BBC is running a short story competition for kids. On Radio 2 amusingly, so for middle-class kids who don’t like an endless diet of R’n’B from Radio 1.

But, there are real writers on the panel: Dame Jacqueline Wilson and Charlie Higson for a start. Hammond is there for no other reason than the competition needs Celebrity. Presumably someone in the Beeb thought, “No one will enter if we don’t have a famous face involved.” and hit the Hammond speed dial. He worked out it wasn’t going to take much time (teachers and librarians are being asked to do the first sift to create a shortlist – for free) and would add a bit of gravitas to the CV. And that a shed-load of money would be heading his way for a quick voiceover.

Look – I understand the marketing advantages of a famous face, but I’m still bitter OK?

Beer and book festivals

Phil: A few posts ago, Ms Nolan commented adversely on my ability to have a drink without feeling poorly the next day. I retorted that it must have been something to do with the quality of the beer, and not my ability to handle it. I don’t think she was convinced.

So, purely in the interests of science, I headed off to the Long Itchington Beer Festival to see who was right. Obviously, I took no pleasure in this, although the pint of “Betty Stoggs” was particularly good, but did it just to prove a point. After all, I can’t be going around having my manhood impuned on the Internet can I ?

You’ll be pleased to know that despite consuming (for the purposes of science as noted earlier) twice as much beer as I had after the book festival, in the morning I felt absolutely fine. Point proved. Nolan – Nah Nah Nahnana.

Talking of the book festival, I opened yesterdays Guardian to see a piece by Deborah Orr recommending a couple of writers. Who should be smiling out from the page ? Only that Rachel Joyce who we saw at the festival.