Tag Archives: fame

The life of a celebrity

Candice : I’ve been hanging out with the rich and famous this week. I’ve met a few celebs over the years due my different jobs and you can draw a lot of similarities between them and their lifestyles. The people I have met have come from very different celebrity sets – from one hit wonders to long term famous.  Interestingly its often the one hit wonders (or reality celebs) who are the worst for thinking the world owes them a favour (Leona Lewis, any one?) Rather than the jobbing acts who have been around for years are much more aware of the fickle nature of celebrity and acknowledge what their place in the world means.  Noddy Holder was lovely, completely aware that he pulled a blinder when he wrote ‘Merry Xmas Everybody’ and quite happy to shout ‘Merry Christmas’ very loudly for all and sundry.

The chaps I was hanging around with this week have also been around since the ’70’s: The Wurzels.  For those of you who don’t know them, they specialise in a type of music called ‘Scrumpy and Western’.  They hail from the west country and have been around for years as a comedy act, parodying main stream tracks.  They were helping me out with promoting something for my current job and we did have a laugh as they tried to lip sync over and over again to the version of the track we had written.

It made me think about how Phil and I will be when we get our slot at the limelight.  For years I’ve been on the periphery with my dabbling in TV work (another interesting bunch, the more famous the actor, the nicer they are) but this is our chance to be front and centre.  I’ll have a rider of course – free Mulberry handbag at each venue, LK Bennett shoes etc.  And I’ll be wanting my hair and make up done.  I do love it when I get that done when I do a period drama.

Phil, well I think he’ll be taking lots of photos (I’ve seen his Flicker account since going to Oz) but I’m not sure if he’ll want to be in too many, being shy.  But he has got previous of interviews and TV so he’ll probably be more comfortable in front of the camera than me, as I am usually playing a character.  Rider, I’m not sure, muffins, tea and a railway magazine perhaps?

This time next year, perhaps we’ll be able to answer that question.  What would be on yours?

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Good Morning Vietnam!

Candice: Another depressing facebook post to wake up this morning, the announcement that Robin Williams has taken his own life.  In the last year we have lost a lot of celebrities by choice or by misadventure.  I just don’t understand.

The other week I was talking about being rich and famous off the back of our book.  Now I’m not so sure.  Seriously, I’d love the money but I’m not sure about the fame, it comes with its own problems.  I was reading an interview with Robert Pattinson at the weekend, he hates the monster that is Twilight as he can’t seem to escape the ‘Twi’ fans.  But mate, that franchise is paying your bills!

There is not much difference between the ‘Twi’ fans and then stalker, then nutter going through your bins and taking over your life.  That’s when all the money in the world can’t make you able to go to the local shop without being attacked or paped.

So perhaps I can understand.  In this world of social media and celebrity press, we can’t get enough and that doesn’t give them any space.  I’m not sure if this is why Robin did what he did, I think the other side of being famous is that you don’t really know who you are, and who your friends are, as everyone is after you for something or you get lost in your characters and struggle to cope with day-to-day relality.

So RIP Robin Williams, I hope you have finally found some relief from the pain you must have had.  But please, people, there are better ways to do this and death isn’t one of them.  And, when you are reading that article about the colour of a celeb’s underpants, remember they are human too.

 

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So that’s what we are doing wrong!

Benedict Cumberbatch

Candice I read an article today on how Benedict Cumberbatch got Judy Dench to agree to have a part in his next film. He door-stepped her at an event at Hay literary festival, and she said yes.

Now, having been to some literary festival events I’m quite surprised by the level of celeb attending, plus the fact my requests have not that kind of response.

Obviously, I am not a celeb asking another celeb for help, but it seems Benedict resorted to this way as he’d tried to pin down Judy through her agent and got no where so went for the more direct route.

Now I have heard stories of people who really wanted jobs hanging around the office of the company or offering to do this for free to get a position there. But surely this is a kind of stalking?

Anyway, it worked for him but I’m not sure me standing up in a talk by an agent and saying ‘sign us’ would work the same. I’m not adverse to trying…

However, I have decided from this that Phil and I need to up our game. If the Cumberbatch is in Hay, I want to go !

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TV shows we will be appearing on. One day.

Phil: They say that you shouldn’t dress for the job you, have, you should dress for the job you want to have. As some with the fashion sense of a scarecrow, I pay attention to this sort of advice.

Extending the concept a bit, since you are reading this in a freshly minted 2013, I though it might be a good idea to suggest where the nolanparker team will be in the future. We are working at the project from both ends so to speak. Having done a load of the writing stuff that should happen at the start of a career, now it’s time to look at the bit when we are (more) famous. Working backward from this point, eventually we’ll meet in the middle and know the whole story. That probably sounds mad. It probably is mad, but I prefer to think of it as “out of the box” thinking.

Anyway, we have had a few discussions in the pub to divvy up the TV appearances. Since there are two of us, we feel there is the opportunity to bring the exciting nolanparker brand of humour and insight to all corners of broadcasting without risking over-exposure. So, pay attention TV producers, here’s the list:

Top Gear

We will both take part in the “Star in a Reasonably Priced Car” segment of the show. Clarkson can make merry with some shtick about finding two people on stage when he announces the name “Nolan Parker”. The audience will fall in lurve with a gurl who drives an Alpha Romeo and I’ll record a time to gain a place at the bottom of the board. Sadly, this will all be useless in terms of sales unless we write a Haynes manual but it looks like fun.

Never mind the nolanparkersNever Mind the Buzzcocks

Another one of both of us. Plan A was that I would be on Phill Jupitus’s team along with Phil Collins, giving an amusing line-up of Phil’s. Madame decided that she will only take part if, during the Intro’s round, she can be singing the intro rather than trying to guess it. This came as a surprise to me having witnessed her devastating ability to recognise pop intros, especially those from the 1980’s – anything you would have listened to while wearing fluorescent clothes, blowing a whistle and shouting “Tuuuuuuuunnnnnneeeeee!!!!” to.

Never mind, that means we can both end up on Noel’s team, probably a better home for our humour anyway. And we both get to wear mad clothes, or in my case, bad clothes that I will claim are being worn ironically.

Strictly Come Dancing

It’s the show with fancy dresses and sequins. Even if I was stupid enough to open the invitation, failure to hand it over would probably result in several broken fingers.

Have I got News For You

This one’s all mine. Not sure whose team I’ll be on but I promise to read all the newspapers the week before and try to have funny things to say.  That probably puts me on the Merton side but it will be nice to win something for once.

The News Quiz and all the radio stuff

Mine again. I have a face for radio so it seems like a good fit. Sadly, the role of “person unable to carry a tune in a bucket” on I’m Sorry I haven’t a Clue is already taken by Jeremy Hardy so I’m not going to be able to take part in this one. Shame really, as I play a mean game of Mornington Crescent.

I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here

Don’t be silly. Neither of us is going to spend time in a jungle eating kangaroo parts. Besides, we’re already too famous for the show.

Celebrity Big Brother

See above. I mean, really, how desperate do you think we are? This is Channel 5 for heaven’s sake. More to the point, how many people who watch these shows can read anything more erudite than The Sun?

Celebrity Great British Bake Off

It’s a show about cake. Lots and lots of cake. Of course we’ll do it. Yum!

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How to win X Factor

X Factor CakePhil: Last week m’collegue wrote “I really I need to go on the X Factor but I can’t really sing and hate ballads !” on the basis that it’s a lot easier to get published if you are famous already. I had this explained to me by the prolific and succesful author Gervase Phinn a couple of years ago. He’s a really nice bloke and makes huge amounts of time for his fans but is quite realistic about the challenges for new authors.

However, I don’t see this as a problem. All we need is for one of us to become famous and the world is our oyster. That means Nolan just has to win X-Factor. Nothing could be simpler.

You are probably thinking I underestimate the size of the task but I have a secret plan. Ten years of spinning the disks of death on the wheels of steel at our local hospital radio station have given me a pretty good understanding of the music industry. Add to that the fact I’ve played with Pete Waterman’s train set a couple of times and that the first person to pay me money for something I wrote now runs the country’s top mobile disco then my contacts in the biz are all I need.

First up, the “can’t really sing” problem. The solution is Autotune. For the civilians out there, this is computer software that takes in a voice at one end and spit out a tuneful voice at the other. It has been suggested, by cruel and jealous people, that some of the soap starlets who go on to have a recording career, owe a lot to this sort of assistance.

Next, we need a suitable ditty to warble. Ballads are out it appears. Never mind, although we’ve never swapped iPods to check out each other musical tastes, I know Ms Nolan tends towards the rockier end of the spectrum. Having seen her other halfs CD collection, I can understand this. After all, if you know you all three original Spice Girls albums are hidden in the loft and reducing the value of your property, then you need something to drown out any attempts to retrieve and play them.

My suspicion is that the iPod contains lots of Swedish Death Metal tracks. Before you head to Wikipedia to work out what I mean, perhaps I can help with some lyrics, reproduced here in the original Swedish so you don’t miss the delicate nuisances:

Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggg!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Deeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaathhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

These will be accompanied by half a dozen guitarists sawing away on their “Axe” like crazed lumberjacks and a drummer making sounds like the very bowels of Hell are being torn asunder. All amps will be turned up to 11.

This is probably a bit esoteric for primetime ITV but I think we can still work on it. Maybe we kick off with some Kaiser Chiefs.

Retirement would do:

I want to retire
No longer required
I want to get by without the man on my back
A tear in my eye
With a heart full of pride I must go out on a high
And tell nobody why

That sums up our dreams – not lazing around on a yacht, but the freedom to create and do something interesting to be remembered by. You can see what I mean about not requiring great singing skills from the YouTube clip, budget cuts at the commercial channel will soon mean everything is recorded on mobile phones.

Perhaps I’m not being radical enough though. How about some thing from American band Monster Magic ?

Powertrip would probably do the job:

I’m never gonna work another day in my life
The gods told me to relax
They said I’m gonna be fixed up right I’m never gonna work another day in my life

“You’re just being silly”, I hear you cry. Well, no I’m not. Those of us old enough to remember the Top 40 in the days before X Factor, when music was music and not the stuff we get now, will recall that the week after Christmas often saw some METAL at the number 1 spot. Why ?

Simple, all the METAL fans knew this was their chance. They would wait until the Crimbo number 1 chart, and then head down to Woolworths and buy something newly released by a suitable METAL band. Because the post festive chart was compiled on the smallest number of sales of the year, there being no internet and the shops being shut for several days, the single would rocket to the top slot and then vanish the following week.

So, the plan is simple. Lots of noise, plenty of head banging (I’ll need longer hair to help with this so we’ll have to wait a while), get the METAL fans onside. Add in all those who hate Simon Cowell and we can’t lose.

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